Learning to let go

When we first become parents, no matter how many books we attempt to read on the subject, or how many inspirational or cautionary videos the modern mum-to-be watches, we're basically unprepared. There's an enormous learning curve to tackle. The biggest difference for me was that suddenly this small person was there sharing every moment of my life! Forget nappies, and feeding, and bedtime routines, it was that physical and emotional bond I was unprepared for. As your child grows that bond gets less  - they go off to nursery, then school, stay over at grandparents for a night, go on gradually longer trips without you, and eventually leave home. Now it's time to let go, and however much you've readied yourself for it, it's another moment for which you're unprepared.
My elder daughter did things gradually - uni years, back home for a while, flats fairly near, eventually ending up further away, but not far.
Younger daughter, after lulling me into a false sense of security by settling back here after a year of uni, upped and offed with barely any notice, and not just round the corner but two hours up the motorway! I'm still trying to recover.
It's no exaggeration to say I've foundered over the past couple of months, but it was only reading her blog that I realised how badly. In this last few weeks, though, I feel I've at last started to come to terms with this new, empty nest, phase of life. It's been helped tremendously by the fact that recently we've seen our daughter a lot - we went up to Manchester when she ran the half-marathon, she came here for the bank holiday weekend, then we went up again for her birthday. Being able to go to Manchester, walk round the area she works in, see the corner shop she uses, the places she eats, makes me more comfortable, and I feel like I'm still sharing her life, at least a bit.

But lovely as it is to see her, I've discovered is that letting go is equally important. I've always tried to not be a control-freak mother, but it's impossible to NOT worry about children - from the early years of are they eating/sleeping/growing properly, through illnesses and exams, to the teenage years, and where they're off to in the evening, or why they're five minutes late coming home. Even when they head off to uni, you're worrying; will they settle, like the course, make friends, remember to do some work inbetween all the partying? Sometime though, they have to stand on their own two feet - and so do us parents!
So, it's time to stop sweating the small stuff. My daughter proved in the first few weeks that she could cope with organising the day to day running of her life - the bills, food, washing etc. It's a hard thing for a parent to admit, but she doesn't actually NEED me anymore; she's a proper grown up adult more than capable of looking after herself.

Once I'd made the decision to let go, I found that not knowing what she's up to every day was quite liberating.  I'm still available on a phone when she wants to share something funny that happened, or for when she thinks I might know the answer to who/where/when/what? quicker than IMDB or Google. But there's no more needing to know everything she does or trying to track down every social media post she makes. Sometimes it's actually helpful to my peace of mind. She's been talking for years about wanting to go sky-diving (the thought of which really freaks me out), and recently she did. Fortunately I didn't know about it till afterwards, so I could just watch the video, in mixed amazement and horror, without having worried for days beforehand, or even having tried to talk her out of it! Sometimes it's better not to know too much.
I don't think we ever 'stop' being parents - I'll always be there for a quick chat or big emergency, but for day to day things we're no longer part of their 'scene'.


Now I need to work on trying to get my own life in order, and master those baby steps - make sure the dusting's done, the ironing pile kept under control, and work on all those half-finished sewing projects littering the house...   and meanwhile, my daughter's coming home next weekend for a local gig :)

Empty nest again

Back when she was a 'child' of 18, my youngest headed off to university, as somehow we've come to expect that our children will. It wasn't easy to see her go, but we survived.

Then at the end of her first year, despite being in the running for excellent overall results, she decided the course wasn't for her, and she'd get a job while she thought things over.

She came home, found work straight away, and we settled into a rhythm. She'd be here for most of the week but frequently away at weekends, either visiting friends in other parts of the UK or, in this last year particularly, jetting off round Europe. After my first doubts about this - particularly when she went holidaying alone in Italy - I got used to the whole idea, vicariously sharing her experiences, and collecting masses of postcards from everywhere she visited. 

All good things come to an end though, so they say, and now we're in for another big change. She's heading away for longer - taking a job at quite a distance - and I'm back to that first empty nest horror. I think her being away for a year, then coming back to stay, just made me appreciate her presence and what she brought to our small family unit more. 

This move feels more final than heading off to uni, though that doesn't really make sense. There's no reason to suppose the move is forever - who knows, in a month or a couple of years she could decide this wasn't the right job at all! - and I expect to see her as frequently as we did during her uni year, possibly even more as she has the cash for train fares, and we have the enticement of our older daughter's baby here.

To be suddenly faced with any change comes as a bit of a shock though and I think the uni years work as a sort of half-way house, giving both parents and youngsters time to become accustomed to living apart. 

However long you try to delay it, this point is going to come along. No one expects their children to stay in the family home forever, and if she'd finished her course out, now would be the time she'd be thinking of job-hunting, which would probably have taken her away from home anyway.

For now, I'm just trying to feel relieved that she didn't decide to travel the world for a year, and that the wonders of social media will allow us to still feel close.

When children decide they're old enough to holiday alone ...

Our youngest has been gradually flexing her wings and travelling further afield, as you can tell from my expanding postcard collection. Her first trips alone took her to London or Manchester, but this last year she's started heading abroad - at first with others but then she announced that she was going to Italy ON HER OWN! This wasn't even going to be a 'met by a rep, stay in hotel' trip, but involved travelling from place to place, and staying in AirBnBs. At least it wasn't a week in Ibiza's hottest nightspots ...
OK, I admit, my first thought was to panic. Then I tried to reason myself out of it. After all she's grown up now, out of her teens, older than I was when I got married(!), but it's so hard to accept that our children have somehow become adults. She's used to organising trains and busses, so aeroplanes can't be harder. She surely knows how to look after herself when out and about in a strange city  -  she was away at uni for a year and has spent enough time away in British cities alone. Even my qualms about AirBnBs didn't really hold up -  she'd done this, although not alone, and (see above) she's stayed in hotels alone. Also, our eldest has travelled abroad alone quite a lot, but as that's always been work related it somehow didn't seem to carry the same risks (illogical, but what can you expect from a mother?)
Ticking off my individual fears, I came to the conclusion that my worries stemmed merely from the fact that she was going somewhere I didn't know, somewhere I couldn't get to if things went wrong because I don't have a passport, and basically doing something I haven't!
So, coping strategies were needed. Firstly the wonders of social media. I couldn't be expecting her to phone every five minutes and tell us what she was doing, but the availability of free wifi in airports, restaurants and BnBs meant she could chat to us if needed, or maybe just do a 'check in' at a railway station or tourist attraction, which would let me know she was ok.
Secondly, sharing the holiday vicariously.  Instead of making lists of everything that could go wrong, I tried to anticipate all the fun she'd have. Beforehand, this involved looking at the places she'd be staying, making sure I knew her itinerary, taking 'tours' round cities on Google maps. I asked her to share more photos than usual on social media - this way I could see where she'd been, what the weather was like and such. Seeing the photos led me to another way of 'joining in' - finding her on Google maps. A lot of landmarks are instantly recognisable - the wonky tower in Pisa, for instance - or visible on Goggle's satellite view, so by switching to 'street view' I could pretend I was there. I even managed to find the spot she stood to take photos of Vesuvius. Yes, I know, some of this is a little like stalking, but being able in the evening to share in what she'd seen that day, made things easier.
Thirdly, distractions. From following my plans for a staycation to binge-watching all of Better Call Saul, having something to fill my time helped.
Fourth, major distractions. I'd been expecting all manner of things to go wrong during this trip, and they did - but here at home. My mother fell ill, though it turned out to be one of those 'not a problem unless you're in your 90s' things that both my parents suffer from occasionally. Then, from somewhere, I caught a stomach bug. Three days with hardly any food left me weak, half a stone lighter and barely able to think straight. By the time I'd begun to recover, it was almost time for the return of our intrepid traveller from her wonderful holiday.

Now my only worry is, when will she decide to do it all again?

A New Routine

This time last year, I was one of those parents in shock after their offspring's departure for university - wondering how my world would change, reflecting on how much I'd miss my Teen.

This autumn I'm feeling relieved as I'm not one of these bereft parents - my Teen has decided to take a year out, get a job locally and earn some serious cash, before returning to uni next autumn.

So we have a new set-up here. It's like going back to the rhythm of college days. Alarm clocks at the ready. Get up early to organise breakfast and a packed lunch. Teen out of the house from 8.30 to 6. In fact, it's so much like being back to her college days, that I woke up last weekend wondering if she had homework to do!

What I have found though, is that somehow I don't actually seem to have any more hours in the day - they've just moved earlier. No more sitting up till 2 o'clock watching box-sets or chatting on twitter; now I'm falling asleep on the sofa before midnight!

It's great having her back, hearing guitar sounds coming from her room, watching Netflix together, going out at weekends as a family, but, if I'm being honest, I'm dreading this time NEXT year, when she'll be going away again. Time to worry about that later though ...

Off to Uni .. 10 Things I'll Miss....

 Early on in the life of her This Be The Blog blog my teen used me as a source of input, and merriment. Now I'm sort of getting my own back....


It's nearly two weeks since, like many parents this time of year, we packed the car to capacity and took our daughter off to uni. For her it's the start of a new, exciting era; for us it's back to the same old routine but with a huge gap in our lives. There are lots of things I'm going to miss about having her around the house but after a fortnight I've boiled the list down to these ten.


Firstly, a really practical thing - dinner! Unless out for the evening, the teen had become the cook of the house, rustling up stir-fries, curries or pollo alla cacciatora without any involvement from me. On the times she was out, I pulled something out of the freezer - ready meals or frozen fish and chips - not really a sensible diet to pursue everyday! So, urged along by the bags of beans, tomatoes and potatoes coming from the allotment, I'm back to cooking. It's not the same though. The teen liked music playing while she cooked and I used to dance around the house to it - not sensible when you're the one in charge of the food!

On another practical note - by Monday I'd noticed that the carpets were looking grubby, and blamed the dog of course. Then it suddenly struck me - for a long while the teen has been the person in charge of vacuuming! I'd slipped into the habit that at some point in the day without me lifting a finger the floors would all become miraculously clean - oops! Another chore to add to my list.

Three - music. Following three months of long, post-A level holidays, the house now feels too quiet. Most parents seem to complain about their children playing music or musical instruments around the house - I loved it. Apart from maybe during the early 70s listening to Radio Luxenbourg, I've never found music I really like played on the radio, but through the Teen and her review site I've discovered slightly edgier, alternative up and coming bands and artists that I do. I'm hoping I don't drop back into the same old, 'can't stand this so switch it off' habits or ending up turning into Smooth radio.
I also miss hearing her play the guitar - with music floating down the stairs and out the windows (maybe the neighbours will be pleased though)

What are we at? Four? Watching dvds. Not quite a girls' night in thing - though it frequently involved pizza - but I no longer have anyone to share my quirky taste in film and TV. I heard part of the sound track of Alfie playing on my Spotify playlist one day and realised that now I'll be watching Jude Law and/or Michael Caine alone. Hubby is NEVER going to watch romcoms or zombie movies or even hard-hitting off-beat thrillers like In Bruges and Seven Psychopaths. He never joined us for Humans or Utopia, and couldn't put a face to any character from Borgen or Game of Thrones. Fortunately social media is full of folk who DO watch my kind of thing.

...and carrying on from sharing viewing tastes, the fact that I now have no one to share references and quotes from those films with - someone who knows dogs CAN look up, prime ministers can dance down staircases, that 'he tastes like you only sweeter', or can quote the whole of Alfie's closing speech (and most things Malcolm Tucker said). I made a throw away comment the other day about politics and Birgitte Nyborg, and hubby looked at me confused!

Six- her general enthusiasm and willingness to embrace the new and possibly weird.  From her interest in cooking, tasting her dinner instead of consuming it as if a chore, and now moving to vegetarianism, through music and theatre, the side-shoots from psychology A level, and TED lectures on the web to her newly-found interest in politics, she's brought a lot of new ideas and ways of thinking to my attention. It's made me think about things I never would have queried and focused my ideas even if they're not always in line with hers.

Seven - someone who knows how to frame me and my knitwear pics or social media profile pics - and not make me look the size of a house! But also, someone who'll say if my clothing looks too weird, or even makes me look fat or older than I am - sometimes the 'you look great' answer isn't the right one, critical opinion can be better.

Eight - chatting over nothing and everything, often by text while she waited for a delayed bus, or upstairs to downstairs via PC. There's always social media but it meanders less. The nearest best thing is probably chatting to the folk I meet out dog-walking, starting with the weather, and moving on to their holidays, families, and, of course, dogs.

Nine - laughing. Stand-up comedians don't do it for me. The Thick Of It will raise a wry smile but only my teen can make me Laugh Out Loud, sometimes till I run out of breath and all my stomach muscles ache. I might even need to take exercise to keep those muscles tight.

...and number 10 of this list? List making! Like High Fidelity's Rob Fleming I do love a Top Ten List - from films starring John Cusack to music for Monday mornings, favourite books this year to best beaches, I'm a sucker, but you need someone to share them with and bounce ideas off of. Not such fun on your own


 And for the Teen's version of these first weeks see This Be The Blog here

...and a year on, she opted for a gap year A New Routine ,  but eventually they all move away