Step by step ...

Somehow nearly six weeks have gone since my mother died, and mostly the days have passed on auto-pilot, disappearing under funeral plans, paperwork, and the extraordinary amount of sleep I suddenly seem to need, while the world around me has held little of interest.



What I've felt has been nothing like I imagined grief would be, no floods of tears but an emotional, painful, yet numb, time. After the initial flurry of activity we were left with a long wait before the funeral. During it I occupied myself with gardening and lots of walking - activities which don't really require thought or concentration, but which occupied my mind just enough. Time spent outside is always a plus but having a purpose - pulling weeds or walking the dog - mixed with the mindfulness of seeing the colours change on the trees or watching the sunset has really soothed me. We've probably been out more in the last few weeks than we normally would! Meanwhile lots of things have been allowed to slide - I've ignored anything beyond the most urgent of housework, relied heavily on ready meals and take aways for dinner, and, although I've been reading, putting thoughts together for book reviews seems too difficult to contemplate.

Oddly that most maligned place - social media - has proved to be wonderfully supportive. From a few kind words to conversations about others' loss and how to cope, I've found so many caring people there ready to help me through this dreadful phase, and to distract me with political rants or cute puppies, whichever I needed.

Now I'm pulling out of that numbness and realising that somehow we seem to have moved from summer to winter while I wasn't paying attention. Warm days have suddenly been replaced by overnight frosts, and the shops are stocking up for Christmas. It's starts to feel like time to get back into the world. Step by step. No rush.